Things That Make You Go F**K!

  • baby just dumped out the biggest wateriest messiest runniest poop … there’s only one diaper wipe left.
  • groggily open up coffee can only to realize there’s not even enough to make one cup.
  • thinking of what to pack for your kids lunches.
  • conference call, kids wailing at dinner out of boredom, expecting important call but cell phone has 10% battery life and is 5 minutes away from causing your head to literally explode.
  • come home from late dinner and realize you have to go back out because there’s no milk left in the house and there are 2 crankyass kids that can’t sleep without it.
  • sheet marks now take about 7 hours to unindent from your dry withered old face.
  • catch your boy looking down at puddle he is standing in and then see there is still a goodsized pee stream running down his leg.
  • finished doing your business, there is not enough toilet paper left on the roll or any left in the bathroom for that matter.
  • second day on the job and after peppily traipsing around the office, see zipper has been down – waaaaay down – for who knows how long.
  • president of company tells you to go to ladies room and “fix yourself” because your panties are pulled over your skirt.
  • you’re late, sweating, trying to get kids out of the house – which is like herding cats – and right as you’re about to walk out the door, smell poop wafting out of a diaper.  seriously, sometimes i believe it’s intentional.
  • pick up kids from daycare but can’t leave because their dang shoes are nowhere to be found so you start getting more frustrated and flustered and start muttering obscenities under your breath and look up hair all disheveled to teachers side-eying you.
  • the scale. no further explanation needed.
  • in theory, your boobs are big and stomach concave but in reality, it’s the opposite.
  • realize you double booked – you must lie to get out of one event but totally forget what lie you told so when the person you backed out on asks you about it later, you have no idea what they’re talking about and it’s painfully obvious by your stammering and inability to look that person in the eyes.
  • last but not least – 3 DAY WEEKEND B*#&%ES!

smell ya later.

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