You Know You’re A Parent When …

from clubs in junior high to greek organizations in college, playing sports to getting married, we instantly bond when we join a group because we have common knowledge, same goals, shared experiences.  but there ain’t nothing like being jumped into the crazy company of like-minded tired bewildered adoring heart-bursting people called parents.

you know you’re a parent when:

  • poop don’t faze you no more – even if you accidentally eat some.
  • the thought of getting locked up in solitary, pitch black sound proof room, with nothing to do but sleep in absolute silence sounds like a little bit of heaven.
  • the first thing you do when handed a menu is look for the children’s section.
  • picking food off your child’s shirt and eating it is normal.
  • sniffing your little one’s feet gets you high.
  • you can tell the poop’s consistency before you even see it by its very different and distinctive smells – constipated, diarrhea, normal, heavy on the meat.
  • you don’t judge other parents.  we’ve all been there … you know, you’re in target at its peak foot-traffic hour when your kid goes ballistic on the ground full on screaming because you won’t buy him his  2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th toy car.
  • you’ve become an expert liar – i’m pretty sure i could pass any polygraph test the police/fbi/kgb/nsa give me.
  • you’ve fished poop out of the bathtub.
  • you don’t care about nursing your child in public as long as nipple isn’t showing.
  • you wear hideously embarrassing clothes to pick your kids up from school – like royal blue sweats from the 90’s and stained tattered shirt – but you think it’s ok as long as you wear sunglasses and a baseball cap.
  • 8 hours straight uninterrupted sleep?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL *weep* what’s that?
  • you can’t read or watch any type of news that has to do with missing children, children being harmed, murdered children because you instantly think “what if that happened to mine?” and you become so overwhelmed and panicked that you have to push it out of your head.
  • you haven’t seen your friends in a month and when you finally all get together at the hottest restaurant dressed to kill, all you can talk about is your kids.
  • on the same night, you start looking at your watch around 11:00 pm thinking you have to get home soon because no matter what time you go to bed, you are going to be rudely awoken at 6:30 am sharp.
  • you’ve got the deathglare wait until we’re alone stare down pat
  • you get all mad and annoyed when your childless friends send an evite out to a birthday dinner that starts at 8:00 pm.
  • have breakfast at 9:00 am, lunch at 12:00 pm, snack at 3:30 pm, dinner at 6:00 pm everyday

it may be tiring, sometimes frustrating, oftentimes aggravating but the vast majority is incredibly satisfying and you enjoy the deepest most all-consuming pleasurable love there ever ever existed.

that is all.


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