I’m Baaaaaaaaaack … For Now.

it’s been quite a while since i’ve last posted.

i really thought i could do it all: work 12+ hours a day, be an engaged present mom & wife, clean the house, do the laundry, be the family social secretary, and blog.  do i blame it on lack of hours, exhaustion, work?  no … it’s about priorities and having some safeguards in place to ensure i don’t go freaking crazy, or rather, crazier.

women have more guilt. i don’t know if it’s innate or self-imposed; maybe a little of both.  i know many dads that work late hours and barely see their kids throughout the week without much guilt.  of course they want to spend more time with their family but it’s not something that tears them up inside.  also, when boys have their nights out, I don’t think they’re constantly thinking about what their wife and kids ate for dinner or if the moms had a hard time putting the kiddies to sleep – the boys go out with gusto.

my working girlfriends and i have this 24/7 guilt about not spending enough time with our kids, scarring them in some way because we’re not there enough during the work week. even as i’m driving to meet my girlfriends for a night out, i’m wracked with guilt thinking that i should be spending every spare minute i have with my kids and family.  not that i go out much with my girlfriends anymore.  i think i seen them maaaaybe once a month and that’s only for birthdays. but you know? i’m ok with that. not too long ago, i’d still get the itch to see my girlfriends at least a couple times a month, shake the booties, stay out late. now, i get a little bit panicky if i’m out with the girls and i’m not home by midnight.  so pathetic.

i used to be a cleaning freak.  i still am but the freak flag is half mast.  the sight of dust and dirt and crumbs still drive me up the wall but my tired a** is too exhausted to care. spending time with my little monsters or vacuuming the hair on the carpet?  no brainer.

i think i’m still the scary disciplinarian of the two but the iron fist doesn’t come down as hard since i’ve started my new job. i don’t get to spend significant time with my kids during the work week so i’m a little easier on them, allow them to get away with a little more, have a softer spot.

i look at all my husband does now and it’s amazing. always up for the challenge — he’s kinda crazy but in a good way. he complains how tired he is yet he always wants to do fun and new things with the kids so they can have good memorable experiences.

logically, it makes sense to focus 100% on the task at hand but realistically, i’m going to be doing 20 different things at the same time and feel guilty about every single freaking one with my hair on fire completely spazzing out, smoke coming out of my ears.

so to have less guilt, i must pick & choose. family has always been a priority but now, more than ever.

til next time.

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