you know, just some stuff i HAD to get off my chest:
- why does my husband sound like he’s being strangled to death when he brushes his teeth?
- when my kids see a spider, they yell, “MOMMY, SPIDER KILL IT!” … not “DADDY, SPIDER KILL!” deduce from that what you will.
- politically speaking, i don’t care what you do – as long as you don’t hurt anyone – just don’t take my money while you’re doing it.
- i’m absolutely grateful for what i have but damn, sometimes i wish my husband was a plastic surgeon.
- you know how they say in women’s magazines to switch up the part on your hair for a fresh new look? i did that and found 4 new gray hairs, so f**k you women’s magazines.
- i could NOT believe how much energy my kids had while trick or treating. “just one more house? pleeeeease just one more house? last house, PROMISE!” but then again, they were giving out FREE candy … which to kids, is probably like a woman’s equivalent of shoes. and you know what? i would most definitely dress up as the ugliest smelliest piece of crap and crawl on my hands and knees for 3 miles straight if i could go door to door getting FREE shoes just by saying “trick or treat” so really, i guess i shouldn’t be that surprised by my kids’ energy.
- it’s like my kids are drawn to the stickiest, crumbiest, stainiest food and only eat it on the tan couch while wearing white clothes right before we have to go out to an important function that we can’t be late to.
- age has not only confused my mind but my body as well. my butt is now resting on my gut, my boobs are now concave, and my triceps are turning into bat wings.
- cougartown = robert pattinson; legal = colin firth or clive owen or better yet, a cf sandwich; yesteryear = steve mcqueen.
- i accidentally stabbed my son hard in the ear with my thumb nail while sleeping last night (yes, i still sleep with my 2yo son sometimes – don’t judge), he started crying, sat up, wrapped his arms around me neck, gave me a huge kiss on the cheek, and said, “i’m sorry, mommy.” i wanted to kick my own ass.